Flashbacks of dark, hidden adult book stores flooded my mind. Within the city limits and beyond, I would search endlessly for rare straight and gay pornography. I would even go to ‘Borders’ or ‘Barnes & Nobles’ and shoplift the gay-themed magazines because I was too afraid to purchase them. I feared, “What if someone I know catches me?” I dreaded the thought of my family, friends or pastor bumping into me in the architecture section, finding me flipping through the pages of “Unzipped Magazine”.
Back then, I was devoutly Christian; I was even a youth pastor. Two nights a week, I would preach to kids about the perils of lust and fornication. I wouldn’t say that I was living a double life; it was more like a secret addiction. I would have a porn binge, masturbate to my treasure, then throw it all away only to come back to my senses and dig the videos and magazines out from the garbage. I really believed that Satan was after my soul, I could hear The Holy Spirit whimper at the sight of my abominations. I honestly felt the demonic forces drawing me closer whenever I saw the blinking, neon lights of the sex shops. There was a constant battle between my “spirit” and “flesh”. It was a strange phase in my life.
Driving past the same shops today, I didn’t feel the same gravitational pull. Seeing the neon lights flickering, I wasn’t hypnotized. I find it very interesting that I have found ‘deliverance’ by embracing the sin. By acknowledging my bisexuality, my proclivity for porn and my twisted take on life, I have gained control. I’ve given myself the license to be both wholesome and wicked! I am the same mama’s boy that everyone loves and ‘Forbidden Light’. That gives me a world of freedom and a peace that surpasses all understanding.
To myself, I pledge allegiance:
I indulge in what makes me happy
I discipline myself for my most good
Whether straight & narrow or dark & crooked, I am content with the course my life takes.
I am wicked
I am wholesome
I am perfect the way God designed me…