"Backstage" by Erwin Olaf

Fashion Victims: My New Artist-Crush Erwin Olaf

     I have been crushing on Erwin Olaf for a week now!  His photography is so good, I will be posting posting a collection a day from him.  The photo above is actually a self portrait.  His "Fashion Victims" collection speaks for itself; this actual his most tame work.  His message is pretty evident in the following photos.  The funny thing, however, is that his self-portrait makes me want to get further involved in fashion.

I am in love with this man and his art!

You'll really see why in the days to come...

Hobson's Choice: When Homosexuality is the Only Option

     There is a percentage of gay men that I feel are convienantly gay or gay by circumstance.  As superficial as the gay community can be, it is also very accepting of people that are...different.  Now, don't throw tomatoes at me just yet, let me expain myself!  When I say different, I am not just targeting the physically awkward or the socially impaired, but also those with very unconventional mind frames.  I have been noticing that some people have no other choice but to be either gay or lonely.

     Believe it or not, there are some men that are naturally effiminate; they speak with a lisp because of a speech impediment and frail bodies run their family.  I have seen this for myself.  In spite of being heterosexual, women assume that these guys are gay.  No amount of persuading could convince a woman, especially when you're saying, "People always take me for a homothexual, but I'm not."  Futhermore, women normally prefer men that provides a certain feeling of security; it's needless to say that these guys do not qualify.  To make matters worse, its even more difficult to convince the men knocking down their door.

At what point do you throw up the white flag and accept love, regardless of where it's coming from?

     Some men suffer from social anxieties, they have a very hard time approaching anyone, let alone someone of the opposite sex.  Due to their crippling shyness, they require someone dominant to engage them into a relationship.  When there aren't enough overbearing women available, they fall into the grasp of alpha males or power bottoms.  Homosexual by circumstance, this kind of man would've been with whomever snatched him up first.  In my book, he's a pushover, not gay.

     I have come across some men and women that were too eccentric to be in a heterosexual relationship.  These people have such an abstract view on sex and relationships, that they fall into homosexual lifestyle almost by accident.  What other community recieves polyamory, kinky sex and other wild preferences so freely?  These guys are attracted to acceptance more than the same-sex.

     This also applies to lesbians as well; I have many stud friends that are actually bisexual but very few men are attracted to masculine women.  So, they get in where the fit in.  However, if presented with a heterosexual fling where acceptance was evident, they would definitely give it a try. 

    

Where am I going with this?

     I think homosexuality is learned for some people, or better, homosexuality is chosen as the best option in an otherwise bad hand.  In spite of internal feelings and desires, 'you can't choose family' sometimes. 

Okay, I'm ready for the tomatoes! 

Chasing the Omni-Chord

(The piece below: "Orgasm" by J. Velasco)

(Please bear with me: I am trying to make sense of some choas floating around in my head.  I think I'm finally grasping this phantom I've been chasing after.)

     In music, there is a composing method refered to as the 'Twelve-Tone Technique'.  Using this method, the composer ensures that every key of the chromatic scale recieves equal emphasis within the piece.  From what I've heard of songs using this style, it develops a sense of roaming which never lands in the chorus we have been accustomed to.  The musical piece ties together a large range of harmonies with a simple line melody.  Of course, this style isn't very popular because there are only so many ways to accomplish this.  I can imagine the Twelve-Tone Technique to be somewhat stifling, because it then turns music into a mathematical equation.  Algebra is rarely fun.

Why am I talking about this?

      For a long time, I have been searching for something I call the "Omni-chord"; a moment where every key occupies the same space simultaneously.  John Coltrane exposed me to the concept in his experimental opus "OM", which sounds like a funeral full of torturing, dissonant wailing.  He truly was searching for this Omni-chord as well.  But the problem was: Once found, who was willing to hear it?  Ultimately, it would be the equivalent of someone sitting on a piano's keys, striking all of the keys equally at once.  It may sound more like unified field than music.  Physics is rarely fun.

Here's the sexy part...

     I've been chasing the omni-chord in hopes of recapturing a moment I have experienced.  This moment was for only a few minutes, but I was outside of time, so it felt like an eternity.  Sex, prayer, laughter, anger, torture, worship and a myriad of other conditions were taking place at the same time.  Literally, I was crying, moaning, screaming and speaking in tongues while laughing...The moment was sublime and terrible.  I felt as though I experienced the full gamut of experience in one instant.

     Sex wields a great power.  It is the only platform where all things is appropriate; The Universe is magnified and sown together by a simple act.  Or at least it feels this way.  The problem is: as sex draws everything together for me, I look for this same surreal phenomenon within music, cinema, literature, spirituality and erotica: and I can not find it.  Sometimes, it rears its head like in John Coltrane's case, but I have yet to find that moment where The Almighty Omni-chord is struck. 

I'm chasing a high from a drug that doesn't exist!

 

La Petite Mort: The Little Death...The Little Afterlife

     Lately, I have been noticing something a little strange.  Approximately, every two days, I'll refer to my digital porn collection and rub a few out.  I'll spare you the details of my pornographic tastes, but I'll tell you that it's a bit extreme.  Stroking it, everything is beautiful and wonderous; but after I climax I am instantly grossed out by the acts playing on my computer screen.  My interest is evident.  These are the same films I have jumped through hoops to download and categorize.  However, there is a fifteen minute period after busting one where I'm disgusted.

Is this kind of like after eating a big meal and your favorite dish becomes nasty?

     Whatever this phenomenon is, I don't like it.  I am considering exercizing some orgasm control.  I love the peculiar curves my sexuality takes; I love the way my brain operates when it's charged.  I fear that I might exhaust that facet of my identity.  Everything I've been reading in my Tantra books supports my fear.  According to several texts, I'm wasting my seed and leaking unrecoverable vitality.

 

(Check out the Tantric classic, "Secret of the Golden Flower" translated by Thomas Cleary.)

     I look forward to execizing this ejaculative restraint.  I do plan on having sex still, alot of it; but I'll try to walk away satisfied without spilling anything.  This could prove to be interesting.  Watching porn without cumming into a towel.  Fucking with breaks for foreplay in between.  Walking around with this primed sexually charge.  I'm excited to see how far I can go.

This will result in a rash of crazy articles: you've been warned.

(Note: The photos are from my new artist-crush Erwin Olaf. He and his work is so dreamy!)

Large and In Charge: The Work of Namio Harukawa

     In Harukawa's world, big isn't only beautiful but it's dominating.  He features smothering, bondage and facesitting all with voluptuous women in charge.  He is one of my favorite fetish artists because he makes it seems so casual, as if it was a day in the life of these goddesses.  Who would've thought this art would come out of Japan?  Everyone seems so small and dainty...thats probably why he sees the beauty in big packages.

The Rise of the Rubenesque: Why Are Big Girls So Much Fun?

     A group of friends and I went out to one of the premiere clubs in our area.  Chilling in VIP with bottle service, it was fun dancing in my seat looking like high society.  Lounging in the upper deck of the club, everyone was getting increasingly aloof; the woman were only dancing with other women and the men stood around in their b-boy stance swirling their drinks.  Athough a great scene for a hip-hop video, for me and my thirty dollar cover, it wasn't satisfactory.  I come to the club to sweat it out!
     Looking over the ledge, I saw the crowd on the dancefloor below.  I decided to join the fun amongst the common folk, this VIP bracelet wasnt going to weigh me down.  Working my way through the crowd, I attempted, and failed, to dance with the women.  It felt like they were sizing me up, whether I was an athlete or someone lucrative.  One woman even approached me asking, "Aren't you a comedian? I loved you on that HBO special!"  After a few dance moves, I told her that I wasn't the performer she took me for; she lost interest immediately.  I found myself a corner and did what I do best: have fun.
     I'm no stranger to dancing by myself, I actually enjoy it.  Getting my groove on to Jay-Z's "Run This Town", I was suddenly grabbed from behind.  I looked over my shoulder to see a short but beautiful big girl pumping the shit out of me.  I can't lie, that got me excited!  We ended up dancing for three or four songs straight.  She was so much fun!  She just wanted to have fun just like me.  Whether we were rhythmically dry humping or doing some funny dance steps; we had a good time.
     After seperating with her (after exchanging Facebook info, of course) I tried to give the skinny girls another chance.  Even when they would accept my invitation, they were too busy trying to be sexy to dance.  I found myself seeking out other big girls.  Everytime I found one, we got busy, we laughed, we partied until I was sweating through my blazer.  For now on, I think I will start partying exclusively BBWs!

My question:

Why are big girls so much more fun?

     Aren't they supposed to be insecure?  Shouldn't I have to warm them and pull them out of their shell, constantly reaffirming them every step of the way?  That was not the case that night.  On another note: I also find this to be true in the sack as well; big girls seem to be more liberated and giving.  I am really interested in finding out what's different about their psychology that works so well with me.