The Worst Feeling


     Coming home from work, I could instantly feel it in the air. Something was wrong. The silence and stillness of my apartment congested my stomach with caution. “Babe?” Calling for my girlfriend, the wrestling coming from the bedroom caused me more concern. “Babe?”
     Swinging open the door to my bedroom, the discovery of my girlfriend crying escalates my bad feelings. Rushing to her body, curled into a fetal position, I reach out to touch her, “What’s wrong?” Her body jerks away from my hand. Her sniffling evolves into sobs. I am overwhelmed by confusion, fear and guilt. “What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
     It takes her a while to collect herself. Something traumatic has just occurred. A myriad of morbid possibilities race through my mind. Finally able to touch her, it pains me to find that my touch is hurting her. No matter how tender, my touch is causing her great discomfort. With her face against a pillow, she struggles through the tears and mucus, “I….”
     My fear and imagination joins forces to haunt me. What happened while I was away? She’s falling apart. Her voice trembles again, “I….” The message lodges in her throat is choking her. The subject of her next sentence is tormenting her thoughts, “I….found something.”
     My heart drops. My stomach collapses. My thoughts of robberies, rapists and tragedies were all exchanged for something much worst. Playing stupid, I ask, “What did you find, Babe?” I know exactly what she found in the back of my linen closet. Do I pretend it isn’t mine? Do I make up an elaborate explanation to why I have a box full of gay porn in my apartment?
     She looks at me for the first time, her brown eyes are bloodshot. She knows I know what she found. Her voice matures to the point its ancient, “Just tell me it isn’t yours. I’ll believe you, I won’t bring it up again; just tell me it belongs to a friend or your brother or something. Please.”
     Two words, “It’s mine.” Shame of holy proportion stinks up the room. My head becomes too heavy to lift my eyes from the floor. It finally happened. Someone has finally stumbled upon my addiction. This is the worst feeling. A cardboard box turned me into a monster. Magazines. VHS tapes. DVDs. I’m no longer decent. “I’m sorry, babe.”

8 comments:

Violet said...

I just recently came out in the vanilla world. My sexuality is strange, being that I am completely lesbian in vanilla life, but that I enjoy submitting to males.

Odd, but I had to expose myself as lesbian-- In the hopes of one day avoiding something like this.

Frightening.

Forbidden Light said...

@Violet: Your sexuality IS interesting! So are you actually lesbian?

I'd love to read more about that from you!

TICKLEBEAR said...

while i am 100% homosexual, the rave scene certainly proved to me i was bi-sensual. but aren't labels a burden when we feel the need to quantify and explain, even apologize in some instances, who we are? i just wish people weren't so uptight about it all. sure, i'll admit i'd feel uneasy dating a bi guy, simply because it's bad enough to compete with all of the other guys, if i gad to add women in the lot of possibilities, man...
i'm not the competing type. i used to try to hold on to someone. that didn't work. now, i just don't get attached, probably making them feel unwanted, even if i desire them. my loss!!

"just tell me it isn't yours"
that's got to be the biggest lie ever, and if you had said what she wanted to hear, it would have remained a poison between you two. now at least, it's out in the open and if she's willing and care enough about you, it may be discussed rationally, without accusations and apologies.
good luck!!
:)~
HUGZ

PS:
WTF was she doing in the linen closet? needed more towels???????
snooping around, i daresay...

Forbidden Light said...

@Mr. Bear: I love the term "bi-sensual"! Great add to the lexicon!

Being bi is complicated for that very reason, people becoming very insecure...Hence, the snooping!

TICKLEBEAR said...

well, it's been long said "bi" were the next ones to make their coming-out... so? when?

that'd be quite a sight to see a BI parade!!...
:)~
HUGZ

Joey said...

I'm a little curious where your shame comes from in this scenario?

Also, if people want to "find" stuff in the back of my closet, they better not come crying to me about what their snooping uncovers.

Forbidden Light said...

@Joey: This happened about five years ago... Since then I've embraced my perversion and have found more extreme porn to cry about! LOL

Joey said...

Ahhh. That makes more sense. This didn't sound like present-day you.

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