Sunrises & Dark Alleys

     I love/hate black people!  Simply because you never have to wonder what we are thinking; we will shout our opinions from the rooftops and then call our friend on speakerphone to elaborate.  Due to this key cultural feature, my day at work got very interesting.  It all started with the golden child of cyber-voyeurs and exhibitionists: Facebook.
     After a week of working with a new firm, I added a co-worker as a friend.  I took to her quickly because our discussions would range from The Book of Hebrews to Fantasia to coke lines; we could talk about everything under the Sun.  Online we'd exchange witty comments, LOLs and smiley faces; she was a great add.
     One day while filing some documents, I suddenly heard a loud scream come from the central office.  Rushing out to help, I walked in to my co-working clicking through pictures of me at the "Death Guild".  I'm dressed in a tight, black T-shirt; on the front was a drawing of a naked woman ball-gagged and bound.  I am also donning a big spiked collar.  She tried to click off, but it kept going to the next picture...and the next...and the next.
     I wasn't really embarrassed, but I was a little annoyed that she wouldn't stop screaming.  Looking up at me, professionally dressed in a suit and tie and glaring back at the computer screen, she couldn't grasp that I could be genuinely both people, "Oh my Lord!"  Her reaction was incredibly humorous to me; but the funniest part was that those pictures were just the tip of the iceberg. 

She hadn't the slightest clue about what I was really into.

     Getting a grip of herself, the first thing she does is go through her purse, "You're off on Wednesdays, right?  My church has a service starting at 7:00 pm!"  She takes a laminate invitation from her bag and scoots it across the table towards me, "Please go and get some prayer, Jesus still loves you!  It's not too late!"
     At this point, I'm laughing hysterically.  If she only caught of glimpse of the shit on this blog, she would drag me to the altar herself.  After catching her breath, she collects herself, "I'm so sorry; that was just a lot to take in on a Sunday morning.  I'm not judging you, I'm just caught off guard! You're nothing like that in real life, You're a big square!"

What's the definition of "Real Life"?

     Little does she know, I am a big square.  I laugh too loud.  I love cartoons.  Gummy worms make me incredibly happy.  Just because I have a proclivity towards leather, whips and chains doesn't mean I'm incapable of being goofy or naive. 
     I hate the assumption that one of my incarnations must be a facade.  I am authentically myself whether I'm in the office, writing this blog or at the club wearing a muzzle.  As if I'm at the San Francisco Citadel because it makes me feel cool.  Or while watching "The Princess and the Frog", I'm secretly wishing I was watching "Bound Gods".  This is why pseudonyms exist in the first place. 

People still can't get over the fact that the world is round:
Beautiful sunrises and dark alleys can exist in the same instance.

Can't my life be entirely non-fictional?
Can't I be all these things at once?
Is it really a paradox?
Or just reality?

80 year-olds are having hot, fulfilling sex as you read this
Some beautiful Mandingo warriors are born with micro-penises
Why are we so shocked?

     While pondering my new thoughts of duality and public vs. private personas, I hear, "Girl, you gotta see this! Look on my Facebook page!"  This woman called her friend to talk about her discovery, "I know, girl, night & day! Night AND DAY!"  One moment she's introducing me to her Lord and Savior and the next she's posting my pictures on her wall!  This made me laugh harder because, in my mind, I instantly labeled her a hypocrite....which , in turn, makes me one  The law of transitivity says: If I can be this grand multi-dimensional being; in the same fashion, she can be equal parts saint and sloppy gossiper.  She looks up at me and seriously asks, "Are you into dominatrixes and stuff?"
     I went ahead and nodded, "Yes." (Why not?)
     Taking her hand off the receiver, she laughs, "He is! Oh my God, who did they hire to work with me?  They left me alone with this cat!"  The fact that she's doing this in front of me, in a weird way, demonstrates her respect.  We're still cool.  After she got off the phone with her friend, she started to take an interest in me.  Asking safe questions, like, "So do you dance at these clubs or just get tied up?  Are there other black people at these clubs?"

It was fun answering "Yes" to all of her questions.



your story has a certain deja-vu for me. a business acquaintance became a friend, knew i was gay and i knew she was baptist. she took no chance though as she and her husband dragged me to the temple themselves,
gave me a bible, etc... they introduced me to their friends and everything was fine 'till one day, she ran into me...and the boyfriend i had at the time. we never spoke again!! knowing i was gay was fine as she thought she could save my soul. coming face-to-face with the reality of my gayness was too much to bear.
believe me, one day, your friend will stop laughing...
even those who claim they're so cool...
still, it's worth a laugh.
i know i did back then, when i realised we weren't talking anymore.

Forbidden Light said...

@Mr. Bear: I just get off knowing that she'll never be the same...Whether she like it or not, She'll see the world a tad bit differently since knowing me.

All because of a spiked collar...Small potatoes...Wait until I get my arm binders! LOL

Cogent Ascending said...

If I've said this to you once I've said it a hundred times.
It's not that you can't have multiple facets to your personality.
You can.
Everyone does.
But the majority find ways of running a central theme through all of these different facets so that it becomes clear you are dealing with the same person at all times.
The proclivity of the human mind is to group like things.
To be presented with an individual so terrified of definitions and labels that he creates stark contrast between one facet of his personality and another is bound to cause subversive reactions from individuals who have acquainted themselves with the natural process of taking on an identity and fleshing it out.
You can't be everything forever.
Some day you will have to crystallize.
Stop being surprised when people act like people especially since you try so hard to act in contradiction to what you view as the mainstream and the norm.

ToddyEnglish said...

Oh lawd you know how WE be. We gotta just let it be KNOWN when we think somethin is off the meter! LMAO. Then she invited you to church...lmao!Chile, I'm shocked she didn't start annointin you with OIL (I have relatives that WILL do that)!
On the real I would not have added her to my page. She had no business puttin you all out there. That ain't cool!
Myself, I look exactly the same way in real life as in my online photos. No one is ever shocked. They'll just say, "Oh I love your shirt in this one!"
PHOOEY! haha.

Forbidden Light said...

@Cogent: The notion that my individuality is based on an attempt to eschew the other words: contrived; infuriates me.

If who I am happens to be everything, then I WILL be everything for as long I live...I'm offbeat, I'm odd...But, above all, I'm natural...

Cogent Ascending said...

I don't believe it.
Nobody can be THAT many things without making a conscious effort to "eschew the mainstream" as you put it.
Preference wins out in the end and I think if you took stock of what your majority preferences were you'd be surprised to find you're not even a third of the things you advertise.
This isn't meant to be offensive so take a deep breath and try and absorb what I'm suggesting.

Forbidden Light said...

I'm going to take a deep, DEEP breath and digest what you're saying...I'll get back to you with my findings...

For someone, as smart as you, to stay completely steadfast about this matter: there must be SOME truth to what you are saying.

But for the record, I am MANY things but I'm not EVERYTHING...I'm breathing...Hahahahahaha

(Things are getting real.)

Garçon Stupide said...

So awesome I can barely type. I think I love you.

Forbidden Light: prototype for the Ultimate Human Being 2.0.

Please can I be your bf, or pet, or something...?


Forbidden Light said...

@Garcon: YES! I was gonna ask you the same thing...We could take turns being each other's pet, until we're forget who's the master...


back to the topic we were discussing together, i remember going to work once, in my hospital uniform, with my full harness underneath to show to a colleague. it caused somewhat of a stir at the E.R. as you could see the outline underneath the uniform...
fun times!!!

i'm not everything, i'm just one thing: me!! it emcompases many things, but it's all me. i am the same everywhere. it's not always comfortable for others, but they see the real me. period. i've learned to not compromise to accomodate others, as it is a disservive to myself. so, people love me or hate me, but they do it for the right reason, not a misconception of myself...




Related Posts with Thumbnails