Black Cathexis

     I'm sitting in the bathtub.  Seven sticks of Jasmine incense fills the bathroom with blinding, suffocating smoke.  I've been looking forward to this all day.  Wrapping my lips around an upturned bottle of Hennessy, I followed that shot was a fist full of caffeine pills.  I took another gulp of Cognac to help me swallow the cluster of capsules.

I wanted my heart to explode.

     In an odd way, I wanted to exact revenge on myself.  The scolding hot water from the faucet made me whimper as I thought of the kind of corpse I was going to leave for my girlfriend to discover.  Flooded. Naked.  Burned.  Possible bloody.  I guess, it was also my way of getting back at her.
     If only my heart made this kind of noise before.My heart banged so loudly in my chest.  With my ears underwater, I could hear the threatening thump, steadily gaining intensity.  A ticking time bomb, throbbed against my ribcage.  So fast.  So angry.  This is the quickest I've ever seen my body move.  If only I had access to this speed elsewhere in life.
     Taking another gulp, I savored the sting sliding down my throat.  Tempting spirits whispered into my mind, "What's the fucking point!"  These thoughts formed a bundle; too thick, too sticky to pass.  They were making sense, "You're existence amounts to what? Nothing!"  My heart hammered away.  Memories fired shots in my head.  I agreed with it all, I just wanted out.  "Okay...Just let me go."

Needless to say: I survived.
Bathwater overflowed onto the bathroom floor...
As did my vomit.
I spent a lot of time submerged that night...

     To be honest, I have suicidal impulses regularly.  But I've been working on a way to harness this mood disorder into a resource.  There are more lucrative way to self destruct.  In killing oneself, there are ways to incorporate rebirth.  Or, at least, in theory...
     My self loathing could pave the road to self disciple.  My apathy regarding life could inspire me to me take more risks.  Dissatisfaction cold result in training harder; chasing success to prove these crazy thoughts in my head wrong.  Or, at least, exhaust the possibilities until I'm back into the tub.  

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