Face it, some things just don't exist. Pots of gold waiting at the end of the rainbow. Beautiful princes disguised as frogs. Lauryn Hill's new album. Yet, so many of us are chasing magical arrangements that won't be found outside of a fiction novel or a romantic comedy. So many of us are attempting bend and twist regular men and women into sexier versions of Santa Claus. Don't get me wrong, I am sympathetic. I've been there, done that and will continue to hopelessly chase unicorns.
Unicorns are beautiful beasts of mythological proportions
Me and my friends have wasted enough time trying to trap these following sexy beasts. Either I'm trying to save you time and energy chasing something that doesn't exist or I'm a hater. Both could be true, but at least this could help you narrow your search for the impossible...
Wrangling him with your streetwise sugar, you take this testosterone soaked powerhouse home to play...Maybe, even to stay. Yes, he's sexy, powerful and talented, however, these qualities doesn't make the thug in shining armor you daydream about. Outside of his natural habitat, he will devour your good credit, good loving and a few of your good friends. Sure, he will leave some beautiful memories behind, but is it worth the trouble of regaining your rectal elasticity?
The Generous Non-John
Your smile can light up a room. You are a master-class conversationalist. Your company is envied by all parties uninvolved. And you just so happen to be really good looking. Have you ever considered being an escort? You saw the documentary on 20/20, where men pay big bucks just to be seen with you. They give you an allowance just to hold you hand and dine at five-star restaurants. Escorts are different from whores, because you don't have to put out. Right? Unfortunately, there's actually a deleted scene in that documentary that was never shown: it's kind of important. Let's just say that there's full frontal nudity, ejaculation and having to find your own way home.
Note: there's a hidden unicorn in this section. Not only is there no such thing as johns that are willing to pay for Platonic companionship, without any sex ever. There's also no such thing as a personality so great I'd pay to sit next you without putting my dick in you at some point. If you aren't a therapist, consultant or lawyer giving me legal advice, your face will be residing in my lap if I'm paying you.
This list is a work ever growing...
Upcoming Unicorns Include:
Gorgeous Guys and Girls with Good Credit
The Wealthy Male Monogamist
Is that a pink do-rag?
I love this spread because it's so crazy...
Who would do this?
What do you get when you cross Fetish, My Little Pony and Muscle?
Find the answer: