I've felt dirty. My impulses got the best of me and took over the wheel. I drove aimlessly, seeking to find refuge in the shadows...warmth in the heat of a stranger. Cruising with a vacant mind, the hunger was painful. I felt so filthy and I needed to come clean. I sought a confessional, whether it was an alley, bathroom stall or night shaded park.
Have you ever felt this way? Lately, I've been revisiting those feelings of shame and secrecy. As bad as it sounds, it aroused me to no end. To take a voyage into the forbidden, to take a risk; I could explode right there in the drivers' seat...sometimes I did.
There's something about the state your body slips into; somewhere between caution and vacancy. My heart would bang through my chest as I developed cottonmouth; my hands would start to move on their own. The Bible would refer to this as "Double Mindedness" where there is a true division between the flesh and the spirit. My logic and reasoning would scream out as my body took on a mind of its own.
"You don't know him!"
"It's so dark in here, you can't even see what he looks like!"
"What if you're caught?"
"Caught with your pants down in some bathroom stall!"
For some reason, I needed it. Like some kind of vampire that needed to draw from the energy of others. I revealed the monster deep inside of me and compared it with his; our similarities made me warm inside. It was excruciating and exhilarating at the same time; to act on the fantasies plaguing my mind all of the time. It was a relief, to unfurl the side of myself that stayed tightly tucked away. Casting away all sound judgement, I needed to express something that I could've never spoken of.
Yes, he had his way with me. Ugly parts need love, too. For the first time, there was light where the Sun doesn't shine. Swallowing deeply, I felt blessed to have access. I could touch, taste and inhale to my heart's content. His moans were like music to ears, I was doing something right for a change.
I longed to be eaten alive and not rejected this time. I was so deperate for contact; I went through incredible lengths, dove into daring depths, until I hit the highest height. We came quietly. Quickly, I pulled up my pants and exited the bathroom. I remember walking away feeling both disgusted and satisfied, hoping that'll tie me over, Deep down, I knew that it wouldn't.Every now and again, I'll play a familiar song and revisit that sexy, shameful feeling all over again. I like to explore that acute gratification of doing wrong. In this mood, the vile and verboten sparkle like diamonds in the dark...and I'm not so bad after all.