John Mayer: The New Generation of Masturbator


     I have a big, throbbing hard-on for John Mayer.  I have all of his albums.  I know all of his songs.  I hang on his every word.  I love him because he pulls off a rare triad: Goofy-Douche-Sexy.  So imagine my excitement when I saw this month's issue of Rolling Stone with my crush topless on the cover.  
     Reading the article, I came across a quote from him that turned me on a little bit.  Could it be that my guitar god is also an intelsexual?  My admiration may have elevated to terror-alert-level "orange"!

"I am the new generation of masturbator"
"Does this new generation of masturbator masturbate everyday?"
"I don't like that question, because it seeks to make me sound strange if I say 'yes', but of course I do.  I mean, I have masturbated myself out of serious problems in my life.  The phone doesn't pick up because I'm masturbating.  And I have excused myself at the oddest time so as to not make mistakes.  If Tiger Woods only knew when to jerk off.  It has a true market value, like gold bullion.  First of all, I don't jerk off because I'm horny...I do it because I want to take a brain bath." 
     A brain bath?  I never thought of it that way!  There is a refractory period that occurs after a sexual climax.  In that period, everything becomes pure logic.  It makes perfect sense to rub one out before signing contracts, making business deals or accepting that marriage proposal.  With sex out of the equation, its much easier to focus on the facts.
     I think I'll conduct an experiment.  I'm going to masturbate right before going to work and see if it benefits my performance.  Would I be more organized?  How would it affect my people skills?  My mathematic ability?  If I took a little "brain bath" before work, would I still be interested in working?  Let's see.

12 comments:

Toy Couture said...

He gave an eye opening perspective. I now have a valid point to provide those that give me judgemental glares when I say how often I masturbate at work.

Reggie said...

I am also a John Mayer fan. He is like a sexy geek rolled into a great artist. I love "You Body Is A Wonderland"!!!!

Cogent Ascending said...

Epic fail.
This guy is sooooo disgustingly white.
he's like everything that's ever been wrong with white people.

ToddyEnglish said...

Y'know what? I agree with him! When I broke up with my ex-boyfriend (who turned out to be a loser)there were times that I got so horny that I literally thought about going back with him...Then I jacked off and it was like a sense of calm and clarity.
Jacking off is so VERY necessary, especially when you are not in a sexual relationship with someone at a significant point in time.
I have no problem with masturbating. It is sex with someone I love very much.
As far as John Mayer goes...Well, we all have our little quirks (lol).

THEGAYTEKEEPER said...

Oh dear...

Anonymous said...

I'm glad to see I'm not the only one who finds John Mayer incredibly sexy. There's something captivating about him (possibly his bedroom eyes and luscious lips, or his candid discussions of his sexuality).

I am not a big fan of his music, nor do I find his appealing personality-wise, at least if you base your opinion of him on tabloid stories (but since I haven't met him, I can't truly gauge what he's like). Physically however, he's got my vote. He's very delectable. ;)

As far as his comment about masturbation being a "brain bath," I completely agree. When I am stressed out or depressed, I masturbate. It's less about being horny, and more about the overwhelming pleasure of ejaculation that alleviates any stress (at least momentarily).

TICKLEBEAR said...

i personally find it therapeutic, a way to keep sane. it cures a lot of things...
;)~
HUGZ

GoddessGlory said...

Ummmm, lil dark secret, I've had a crush on that boy since his first album, since I had a dream about sexing him after watching him on that Carson Daly show years ago. He got those suckable lips. So thanks to this little post, Imma rub one out to thought of riding his face...

Forbidden Light said...

@GoddessGlory: Now I have to rub one out to the fantasy of us having a threesome with Mr. Mayer...He think he knows something about the blues now...

Johnny said...

I'm frequently "bathing my brain" at work. It gives me clarity. It has saved me from depressive episodes, and motivated me to get a whole lot more accomplished. If my co-workers knew how often they've inspired a brain bath, they'd file suits with HR. :)

Forbidden Light said...

@Johnny: Hahahaha! What would your co-workers prefer: You're constant brain bathing? Or you trolling around the office with a dirty mind?

Johnny said...

Hmmm... ;) I sadly think they'd prefer to know nothing about either practice.

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