Embracing Sin


     This Thanksgiving, I returned to my Midwestern hometown. It’s been nearly three years since my departure and, upon return, the many reasons I left have resurfaced. Driving down the near vacant streets, passing the dust settled landmarks, I find it hard to believe that I was actually born and raised here. As offbeat of a man I’ve turned out to be, I must’ve been born this way because I see no catalyst here. (Granted, there were some childhood events that happened, but we’ll talk more about that later.)

     Flashbacks of dark, hidden adult book stores flooded my mind. Within the city limits and beyond, I would search endlessly for rare straight and gay pornography. I would even go to ‘Borders’ or ‘Barnes & Nobles’ and shoplift the gay-themed magazines because I was too afraid to purchase them. I feared, “What if someone I know catches me?” I dreaded the thought of my family, friends or pastor bumping into me in the architecture section, finding me flipping through the pages of “Unzipped Magazine”.
     Back then, I was devoutly Christian; I was even a youth pastor. Two nights a week, I would preach to kids about the perils of lust and fornication. I wouldn’t say that I was living a double life; it was more like a secret addiction. I would have a porn binge, masturbate to my treasure, then throw it all away only to come back to my senses and dig the videos and magazines out from the garbage. I really believed that Satan was after my soul, I could hear The Holy Spirit whimper at the sight of my abominations. I honestly felt the demonic forces drawing me closer whenever I saw the blinking, neon lights of the sex shops. There was a constant battle between my “spirit” and “flesh”. It was a strange phase in my life.
     Driving past the same shops today, I didn’t feel the same gravitational pull. Seeing the neon lights flickering, I wasn’t hypnotized. I find it very interesting that I have found ‘deliverance’ by embracing the sin. By acknowledging my bisexuality, my proclivity for porn and my twisted take on life, I have gained control. I’ve given myself the license to be both wholesome and wicked! I am the same mama’s boy that everyone loves and ‘Forbidden Light’. That gives me a world of freedom and a peace that surpasses all understanding.

To myself, I pledge allegiance:

I indulge in what makes me happy
I discipline myself for my most good
Whether straight & narrow or dark & crooked, I am content with the course my life takes.
I am wicked
I am wholesome

I am perfect the way God designed me…

5 comments:

Garçon Stupide said...

Fascinating... I was going to say I know just how you feel, apart from the bisexual bit, right up until the devout Christian part.

And what's that they say about the past being a foreign country...

ToddyEnglish said...

I will second Garcon's comments. You just told my story, only I never purchased porn (because I still get ID checked for everything and that would have humiliated me). I just surfed the web and took out a subscription to Black Inches magazine.

The onething I completely believe about the Bible is that the TRUTH shall set you free...ALWAYS.

TICKLEBEAR said...

the fact that you still refer to it as "sinful", even if only semantically tells a lot about your heritage. you may have moved on, but a part of it remains buried inside, me thinks...
:)~
heck! i was raised catholic... from a catholic mom and a pentecostal father... but never had such dilemmas as i never believed what's being preached.
i found my own comfort zone, knowing when i do right, and when i do wrong, even if some people might not agree with my assessment.

Forbidden Light said...

When I refer to "sin", it is within the context of mainstream morality. In a way, I've made a fetish of sin as a way of overcoming my shame issues.

After a little research, I've found that "sin" originally meant "to err or fall short". I have my own value system and personal sense of intregrity...a violation against those constructs are the only sins I care to repent for...

TICKLEBEAR said...

as long as the bagage doesn't become a burden.
:)~

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